Thursday, June 23, 2011

Snakes on an (Earthly) Plane

Seriously, don't do it
As a Texan, I take trespassing very seriously. Trespassers with two, four, or zero legs are not welcome at the ranch. But my chickens, being avian dinosaurs, apparently have other ideas when it comes to their legless cousins.

It would seem that the chickens do not mind so much when their cousins come to visit and help themselves to a few eggs. The last couple cousins consumed ceramic eggs, and by the power of Natural Selection, the remaining ones only seem to like the genuine article.

So today, while opening the gate for Doctor Dolittle, I encountered a zero-legged trespasser. At first I thought it was a stick, so to be sure I gave a neighborly "Hi there" while reaching for the board that holds the gate open. As my face got closer to the object, I could see that it was organic and scaly.

Experienced warrior that I am, I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, and aimed the board at the snake's head. I missed. I missed because it lunged at me while I was swinging at it's head. I stuck a blow to the snake's tail, causing it to snap like a scaly little whip, right in front of my face. The board shattered with the force of my mighty blow and half of it sailed over the snake's head toward mine. I danced away as my digestive exit blinked out an S-O-S.

Screwing up my courage, I returned to the fray. Keeping my eyes open this time, I managed to share a blunt opinion with the trespasser. Accepting my irrefutable logic, the snake departed this plane.
Water Moccasins shouldn't mess with Texans
Ever the professional, Doc suggested I wash my hands. My hands are not the only things that need washing....


  1. Whoah! The story about the snake in the coop was creepy enough, but that's some snake to actually lunge at you. As a fellow Texan, I've had a few run-ins with rattlesnakes but they usually get the point across with a wiggle of the tail.

    Any idea what kind of snake this is?

  2. I hate snakes. I know they have their place in the world, but it better not meet up with me. I didn't used to have this attitude, but ever since I stuck my hand under a hen in a nest to get eggs and grabbed a 7' long black snake I have a strong aversion to them.